


Unconditionally

by myownway



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 01:10:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21383614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myownway/pseuds/myownway
Summary: Alec and Magnus are in love, it's forbidden and they both know the risks. When their love is found out the unspeakable happens. Alec is banished from his life as a shadowhunter, stripped of his runes, his memories and Magnus. Alec has to learn to live as a mundane with no past, all he has is a voice in his head whispering his name and a promise; "You're name is Alexander and I love you and I will find you."
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	1. Prologue

With every scream that shattered in the room, Magnus felt another blow to his heart. His body was drained, his magic spilling out carelessly as he tried everything to break in. Finally, after what felt like an eternity later the door opened. The Silent Brothers walked past first, none of them giving Magnus a second thought and all Magnus could think was if he had the energy he would kill them all there and then. Next was the Lightwood parents and Magnus felt the rage build, felt the sparks at his fingers, suddenly warm hands wrapped around them. “Magnus, he needs you.” Was the gentle whisper that pushes the rage away and he ran as fast as his exhausted body could take him to the man he promised he’d always protect. To the man he failed. 

Alec lay on the floor, his body trembling, his shirt ripped open and where his runes once were, now just angry red marks that he knew would be gone soon. “Magnus…” the voice was so weak, so quiet but everyone heard it. 

“I’m here,” Magnus fell by his side and pulled him to his chest. “I’ve got you, you’re safe now.” 

“No time, Magnus please, listen.” Alec forced his eyes open, the green so sharp, crystallized, Magnus knew he would never be able to stop seeing them whenever he closed his own. Magnus nodded and cupped his cheek. “Not your fault. I love you. I wouldn’t have changed anything.” He whispers and Magnus bites down on his lip hard not to scream in despair. There would be time for that later. 

“I love you too, so much,” Magnus promised pressing his lips to his forehead. Silence washed over them as they just held each other for the last time. 

A few minutes later Alec moved a little, body trying to pull away ever so slightly “I… where… my head hurts.” Alec sobbed out, and Magnus looked up to where Izzy and Jace were holding each other, there own grief showing and Magnus couldn’t imagine how hard this was for them. 

“It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. Just close your eyes, focus on my voice. Okay baby?” Alec nodded ever so slightly and blinked up one last time at the man he knew he could never forget. “You’re name is Alexander and I love you and I will find you.” Magnus whispered and he played with Alec’s hair until he was certain he was gone and just kept whispering the promise over and over and this time he knew he would never fail him. Not again. 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

The rain hit his body hard, the constant ice sharp thumping against his skin was what woke him up. He looked around, eyes blurry, head pounding. Where was he? He stood up slowly, legs like jelly and it took everything he had to not fall back to the floor. Once he had regained his balance, he took a breath, touched his aching head to see if he could find the source of the pain. No blood, no bumps, the pain was raging from within. His shirt was torn open and he tugged it around himself more in the hope that the thin material would keep him warm, but the shirt was soaking wet and all it did was hang heavy around him. There was no one around him, from what he could see he was in a park, he could just make out the heavy line of trees around him. He walked forward, the world spinning around him but he pushed through it. He stumbled out of the park and looked around, his vision was a little clearer. Now he could make out the flashing lights of cars driving past him, he tried to wave out, signal for help. But no one stopped. Nausea ripped through him and be doubled over, bile and acid spilling from his stomach as he hunched over the side of the road. A strangled sob left his mouth and he looked around once more, he needed help. Needed something. He just didn’t know what. In the darkness he could make out the outline of a building. It looked like a church. Stumbling forward once more, barely dodging the cars that zoomed past him, frustrated beeps from the drivers passing him startled him, he was certain one was about to him, but somehow he had ended up on the other side, only once again on the floor as if his guardian angel had picked him up and threw him across the road. He stayed down for a few minutes, he didn’t think he had the energy to stand up. It wasn’t only his head that was pounding now, it was his entire body. He had no idea what had happened to him, what had caused this pain, but he felt sure that this was going to be the end of him. 

He didn’t know how long it was that he stayed on the ground, no one came to help him, no one was there to save him. His body was cold to the bone, but there was something inside of him, a spark, a fight and he used that to pull himself once more to his feet and he surged forward. His legs constantly buckling at his weight, but he didn’t fall again. He made it to the door of the church and he banged his knuckles against the hard wood, “Please.” He breathed, not recogonising his own voice only just pushed the fear higher inside his brain. “Someone! Please help me!” He screamed out, his throat raspy, scratchy. He could taste the bile rising in his throat once more and hunched back over, throwing up on the steps of the church. “Please, someone…” He breathed as he slouched back down, back resting against the door frame. He pulled his knees to his chest and just held himself, he closed his eyes and as the darkness finally took him he realised there wasn’t anyone coming to his rescue. He was truly alone, but the scariest part of it all, was he didn’t even know who he was. 

-x-

It was the suffering sound of the machines beeping that finally woke him up. His eyes felt like they were filled with sand, as he blinked them the sharp scratching made them water. He sat up slowly only to realise he couldn’t move too much, wires and drips were keeping his movement restricted, He tried to look for someone, anyone, but all he could see was that he was in a hospital, it was very clincal and clean and the smell of disinfectant was enough to make him want to be sick. He must have made a sound in his struggled panic and soon someone came running over. She was young, long red hair pulled behind her ears in a pony tale. “Hey, you’re finally awake,” her voice was soft, soothing almost but it didn’t help him panic any less. “You’re at New York Medical, you’re safe.” She said and took a quick glance at the monitors surrounding him and smiled to herself. “Would you like some water? I imagine your throat his dry. You’ve been asleep for a few days.” That just pushed the panic forward even more and he wanted to scream. “Just try to breathe nice and slow for me okay? I’m going to help you sit up, move some of these machines.” She kept her voice so soft and there was something about her that was so achingly familiar but he didn’t know why or how. “My name is Sarah,” She smiled. “Can you tell me yours?” 

He tried to think, he knew it should be a simple question. But he didn’t know the answer. He didn’t know his name, didn’t know who he was, where he was, or how he had ended up at the hospital. His chest started to tighten as his brain tried to find the answers he was so desperate to find. Breathing became hard and the pain in his chest tightened even more, “you need to calm down, breathe slow and with me. You’re safe now.” Safe? He thought. What was he safe from? How had this happened? More thoughts raced through his mind, each one sending another wave of panic. “Okay, I’m going to give you something now to help you relax.” Sarah said, her voice never faltering, never making the panic worse. He envied her for being so calm, especially now when he couldn’t keep his breathing normal. He felt a sharp scratch in his arm and the liquid being pushed in, and slowly he felt himself calm down, the thoughts were still there but the panic was slowly slipping away. “That’s it, this might make you a little sleepy, but you’ll feel better when you wake up, okay?” He wanted to say that he didn’t want to sleep, surely he had enough of that in the days he had been out. But he couldn’t argue, his eyes were closing too quickly and he realised sleep might actually be exactly what he needed. 

It was quieter when he woke up, he could still see the machines around him but they weren’t making that horrible noise. “Hey, how are you feeling?” It was Sarah. Something about her made him feel safe, panic didn’t over take him this time and he just gave a little nod. He didn’t know what else he was supposed to say. With a little help he sat up and stretched out his legs a little, his body wasn’t hurting as much now, there was still a dull ache in his head but it was bearable. Tolerable even. “So, the Doctors want to do some tests and they have some questions for you. Do you remember anything yet?” 

He thought about it, he tried to think of something that could help them, help him. But all he could remember was the park. Waking up and feeling so alone, so much in pain but so alone. He shook his head and looked down. “I don’t remember anything.” 

“Okay, if you’ve suffered a head trauma that will be explained in some tests, they ran a few on you whilst you were asleep but they came back clear. It might be a little different now that you’re awake, so as soon as they can they’ll do these tests.” 

“Okay.” He sighed. 

“We’ll take it slow okay, we don’t want you to panic, but we will figure this out.” Sarah reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze and he just nodded, he had to believe her, what other choice did he have? 

-x-

The first scan he had was terrifying, he had to be strapped down to the uncomfortable plastic bed as he had the full body scan. It was dark and loud and his head hurt so much after it. The first full day he was awake he had this done three times, all doctors wanting to find a different angle on what could be causing his memory loss. It was a lonely and scary few days for them to come to the conclusion that it was more psychological than physical. All of the medical scans done and blood tests all showed that he was a very healthy young man most likely in his early twenties, and frustratingly there was none of his DNA on record to help find his identify. So he was still where he started, scared, alone and with no sense of hope in knowing who he was. 

Once they had ruled out the physical trauma they got the therapists involved. He didn’t know much about who he was, but he knew he wasn’t a talker. The only person he had really spoken to was Sarah, she would come by before her shift or after and just spend some time talking to him about the world. He knew about everything else, knew about some news events and what things were, his memory loss was purely centred around him. The therapist who had been assigned to him at the hospital was a middle aged man, with graying hair and an annoying habit of constantly pushing his glasses up his nose every time he asked a question. He instantly didn’t like him. He asked questions that he knew wouldn’t be able to be answered. What’s your family like? Do you remember anything about your childhood? Do you think it was a happy one? After every session all he wanted to do was scream and he did a few times. He was angry at being cooped up in the small hospital room and he was angry and frustrated at himself for not knowing who he was. 

He had just finished his third session with Dr Jensen and he was sure he wanted to hit something. “I don’t want to see him anymore.” He decided as he sat up on the bed. Sarah was there, she had brought him some magazines and sweets. She had been trying to find an interest for him, so she had got him a range of different subjects to look at. He had found the ones on popular culture mind-numbingly boring, he liked looking at the ones about the cars but they meant nothing to him. The one he found interesting the most was the one about fitness. Though sitting in the hospital bed for almost a week wasn’t helping his physique it was clear he worked out a lot. 

“We can find you someone else to talk to?” Sarah suggested. 

“What’s the point? I can’t answer their questions. I don’t know if my parents abused me, or if I even have any for that matter? I don’t know if I have anyone.” He whispered. 

“We’ve put your details through missing persons, if someone out there is looking for you, they’ll find you.” He just nodded, he didn’t know what it was that was telling him that was a pointless route to go down, but he tried not to listen to it too much. “Come on, you’ve been cooped up here long enough, my shift has finished and I’ve got permission to take you out of the hospital for a while.” 

“We’re going out?” He asked looking up at her surprised. 

“Yes, so, put these on.” She handed him a bag with some fresh clothes. “And let’s get out of here.” 

He did as he was told and changed into the black jeans and simple green jumper she had given him to wear. It felt odd wearing normal clothes, he had grown accustomed to wearing the hospital flannel pyjamas and a grey jumper they had given him. He felt almost normal again. 

They didn’t go far, just a little walk around the gardens and the surrounding area. But it had been nice, he felt like it was a little familiar but he couldn’t comment on why or share anything that would make a difference. Sarah did most of the talking and he realised this was what he was used to, it wasn’t that he didn’t have things he wanted to say, it was just that he would rather not say them. Their little walks became a routine over the next few weeks. After every therapy session which he had three times a week they would go for a walk. They had changed his therapist, now instead of Mr Jensen he had a lovely older woman who insisted he call her Shirley. It wasn’t as formal as Dr and he actually liked it that way. She didn’t dwell too much on the past, instead she helped with thinking about the future. What was the point in worrying about what he couldn’t remember when he needed to start living again. Honestly, he found that even scarier than trying to think about his past. He had absolutely no idea what he wanted in his future. He had no money, no Identification to start looking for work. What was he even good at? The first couple of times they had spoken about it he had anxiety attacks, but after he got used to the idea that he had a future he was actually looking forward to it. That’s when he started to feel more positive about his life, he started to think maybe he lost his memories for a reason so he could start living a fresh life. Sarah agreed with him and was quickly becoming his best friend, she would tease him that she was his only friend but that didn’t matter. Not really. Sarah had arranged a visit with a social worker who would arrange for new Identification and a place for him to live so he could slowly start getting on with his life. He was beyond scared, but as he closed his eyes to go to sleep, nerves running through his mind at what the social worker might say, that’s when he heard it. A gentle voice like a lullaby in his mind. “You’re name is Alexander, I love you and I will find you again, I promise.” He sat up quickly in his bed, his heart felt funny, he knew that voice, felt instantly comforted by it. Instantly felt like he was missing him, his heart and soul ached for him. 

“Are you okay?” One of the night nurses asked as she walked over to him and he just nodded smiling a little to himself. 

“Alexander. My name… It’s Alexander.”


End file.
